POLITE DISHONESTY

When I saw the Five Minute Friday prompt word, POLITE, one phrase was running through my head:  

POLITE DISHONESTY

It’s rife in the church, in families, even Christian families.

Partly because we’re taught to be nice and polite.      

But Jesus wasn’t nice.  And He wasn’t polite.

He was genuinely kind.   He was gracious.   He was truthful.   He was honest.

He didn’t agree with things verbally that he disagreed with internally.

He didn’t go along with something to get along with someone. 

He asked questions that made people look at the truth behind behaviour and performance.

He was prepared to disappoint people to stay true to His identity and His Father’s purposes.

He offered grace, but always with the truth being spoken.   

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed.   And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”  John 8:31,32 

Jesus didn’t try to keep the peace.

He didn’t tell us to keep the peace.

He told us to be peacemakers, not peace keepers.

So many of us have learnt and decided to keep the peace by politely agreeing with the disagreeable, even when we know it’s wrong. 

A quote that helped me immensely a few years ago is this:   If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself. 

And so many of us do just that.  

Our polite dishonesty has created internal conflict, and external tension, and it certainly isn’t real peace.  

Polite dishonesty is not truthful.  And it doesn’t allow grace to operate, because grace cannot rest on lies.  

Polite dishonesty is based on lies.  

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.   1 John 1:8

For grace to be activated, truth has to be the starting point.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:9 

but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head – Christ……  Eph 4:15

Walking in real fellowship requires honesty – about ourselves to start with.   Honesty with Him.  And with each other.   That’s where growth happens.   And it’s often messy and uncomfortable and painful. 

But there’s grace for that.  

Mercy and truth have met together;
Righteousness and peace have kissed.  Ps 85:10 

Let not mercy and truth forsake you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart,

And so find favour and high esteem
In the sight of God and man.  Prov 3:3,4 

I’ve seen so much of this polite dishonesty in my own life, in the lives of family, friends, and acquaintances, Christian and otherwise.   In fact, I find non-Christians are often more honest about things because they’re not constrained by the notion of being ‘nice’. 

Polite dishonesty frustrates me because I can see how much damage it does, and how much it limits the growth of healthy relationships.

We don’t deal with what’s bugging us or hurting us in relationships.   So we withdraw, become distant, give up, give in, become apathetic, get cranky and resentful and touchy.   Sometimes we even keep performing to make it seem everything is fine, or because we don’t want to upset things or make people uncomfortable (or ourselves).  

When someone asks us, ‘Have I upset you, why are you distant, why are you cranky, are you okay with this decision or that outcome?  We say, ‘Nope, nope, it’s all good, I’m fine’   

When inwardly you’re not fine.   You’re not fine at all.  

And while you won’t address the problem with the person in question, you’re happy to whinge about it elsewhere.   Guilty as charged.

So, why do we do it?   How did we get so good at polite dishonesty?

Because we’re scared of them. 

Because we’re scared of losing someone.   

Because we don’t know what we believe.

Because we don’t want to appear difficult or touchy or divisive.    

Because we don’t want to change, or address our own issues.  

Because we value our reputation over honesty.

Because we don’t know what’s actually true, only what we’ve been told.

Because when something feels off, we have been conditioned to over function, blame ourselves, bury frustration, shrink our voice, adapt – again and again. 

Because of cultural training and obligation, and a skewed sense of responsibility. 

Because we’re not honest with ourselves, let alone anyone else. 

Because we don’t know who we are and what He has called us to.

Because we consider it too much to obey Him above keeping others happy. 

Because we overestimate someone’s authority in our lives and underestimate His.  

Fear of man is a snare

The fear of man brings a snare,
But whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe.    Prov 29:25

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.   2 Tim 1:7

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.  Prov 9:10

So what’s the answer?

Years ago, I was speaking to a young pastor about an issue in his church, which I had become privy to, from the sidelines, because someone was whinging to me.    There was considerable tension between two members of his congregation, and there seemed to be one trouble-maker and one passive, ‘nice’ person who was at her wits end. 

The young pastor reminded me of the passages that speak to this:

Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.   Matt 18:15,16

So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.”  Luke 17:13

We need to go to someone who has harmed us, and caused us pain, and let them know.   And if they are willing to change, we can keep walking with them as a brother or sister.   If not, then we need to step back and realise that the connection is broken or is fairly shallow, and maybe they’re happy with that and we can live with that.   It’s good to accept the reality of someone’s capacity in a relationship and recognize the difference between expectation and reality.  

That’s okay if it’s someone you don’t see much or it’s a casual, occasional relationship.   It’s absolutely not okay if you’re in a covenant relationship with that person or they expect a deeper walk with you. 

And when we go to someone, we need to be ready and willing to hear their perspective on it and repent of where we have harmed them.    

Of course, we don't need to thrash out every annoyance in a relationship.    A lot needs to be let slide, but patterns of negative behaviour need addressing, not burying so they can fester. 

Real fellowship requires honesty.  If we want deep connection, then we need to be honest, not polite.   Walking in the light requires honesty and it requires repentance that leads to change, not just saying sorry.  

This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.    If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.    But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.  1 John 1:5-7

Polite dishonesty is walking in the darkness.  

If words are not matching actions, then it’s time to get honest.   If our words (everything is fine) are not matching our actions (distant, cool, withdrawn, faking it) then something is off.   

And fellowship dies - slowly, but surely. 

And being polite when something is off is dishonest.  

We don’t need to analyse and scrutinize every aspect of our relationships and go digging for problems.   But we need to watch our speech – both the public, polite stuff and the private whinging. 

Preaching to myself here!  

Of course, nothing in our relationships is going to work if we’re not honest with ourselves and the Lord first.

That has to be our starting point. 

I love David Benner’s book, The Gift of Being Yourself, where he talks about the need to be honest with yourself first – then you can be honest with Him and then others. 

Are we willing to be peace makers, not peace keepers?   Are we willing to have the tough conversations so that we can be honest and transparent with each other, to take risks, to be vulnerable, to strengthen connections, instead of keeping a safe distance?

Are we willing to be pure in heart, or do we want to keep hiding and telling little lies in the name of being polite?  

Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
For they shall be called sons of God.   Matt 5:8.9

 

I’ve shared this song before.   I think it speaks well to this issues.  

Let the truth be told!

 

 

"I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm fine"
But I'm not, I'm broken
And when it's out of control, I say "It's under control"
But it's not and You know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall
There's no sin You don't already know
So let the truth be told

WE HAVE ALL BURIED MUCH

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is BURY. 

What happens when we bury emotions?

If we bury them instead of letting them flow through, then they ferment within us.

When they ferment, they grow and become distorted and affect our thinking, which then compounds into more emotions and we explode or withdraw, and we damage others.

The psalm writers took their emotions to the Father.   

Some excerpts from Psalm 73. 

But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled;

My steps had nearly slipped.
3 For I was envious of the boastful,
When I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

When I thought how to understand this,
It was too painful for me—
17 Until I went into the sanctuary of God;
Then I understood their end.

Thus my heart was grieved,
And I was vexed in my mind.
22 I was so foolish and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.

My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I have an elderly friend who says, from her experience of decades of pastoring and just living, ‘most Christians are emotionally constipated!’  

Buried emotions turn into bitterness, overwhelm, resentment, explosive anger, anxiety and depression.

Why do we bury emotions?

Because we haven’t had anyone to contain them for us and so they become overwhelming. 

Often as children we’ve expressed big emotions and parents have made it unsafe for us to express them. 

Why?  Because they see them as bad behaviour or because they can’t handle it themselves.  

Been there, done that.    Been on both ends of that scenario - for years.

We learn that our emotions are naughty or dangerous, so we bury them and we get good at burying them deep.   And we develop coping mechanisms whenever they try to rise up.

Then, we carry that into adulthood.  

And when life is hard, and we face new challenges, we bury our emotions or we let them spill unchecked onto the most vulnerable in our lives.

Perhaps we bury them in busyness or addiction or entertainment or service or work. 

Even as Christians, we’ve learnt to bury them, to wrap different language around emotions and demonise them.

The Word says be anxious for nothing, so you mustn’t be anxious or afraid  – no, it says to bring your anxiety and fear to Him and let Him give you perspective and peace.

The Word says don’t be angry, so you mustn’t be angry or frustrated – no, it says do not sin in your anger and do not let it turn into rage.

The Word says don’t be disappointed, just have faith – no, David brought his disappointment to the Lord many, many times, but always ended by looking up to Him for answers and perspective. 

The Word says don’t be sad – no, it says blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted, and we comfort with the comfort we have received.

The Word says don’t be embarrassed or vulnerable, hide your shame – no, it says to humble ourselves before Him, that He is close to the broken-hearted, and is a lifter of our heads and restores our dignity. 

I have found this lady to be extremely helpful in understanding how Christians have misunderstood emotions and how to process them well.  She is a Christian therapist.  Thoroughly recommended. 

Our emotions are indicators, not directors.   If they direct, they overtake. 

But if we ignore them and bury them, they ferment and become toxic, in one way or another. 

I’ve been learning about the effects of the stress hormone, cortisol, which typically hits hard around menopause and causes all sorts of health issues.  I wonder if that’s because women spend so many years burying their emotions and looking after everyone else’s.  

So, how do we NOT bury our emotions?  

We have to learn to honour them and feel them with someone safe.   And honestly, the safest person is the Father.   That’s what Jesus did. 

During my healing journey, I’ve been able to express deeply-buried emotions on a few occasions with a counsellor or a friend, and that’s been really healing. 

But mostly it’s been me and the Father.  And I’ve sometimes felt like I would drown if I let them rise, but I haven’t.

If we don’t feel safe with Him, then He will give us someone safe to be with, so we learn how to do that with Him.    People aren’t always available, especially when you’re single and there is no one at home for you.

So, these days, I’m learning that He is always available, always safe, never tired.   I’m learning to be honest with myself about what I feel and not to bury it.  Being honest with yourself is one of the hardest things to learn.   I’m learning to go to Him first with it, name the emotion, feel it, move through it.  

Otherwise, I just get stuck again.   And again and again.   And it manifests as anger. 

In two weeks time, we will bury my Mum’s body.  

She passed away two days ago after a fairly quick decline.   

Everyone is asking, ‘how are you, how do you feel?’ 

I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel but what I felt when she died was relief.  

Is relief even an emotion?  

Relief that she was no longer physically unwell, especially watching her struggle to breathe in those last few hours.

Relief that she had crossed over the bridge – more on that another day.

Relief that she would finally really know the love of her heavenly Father – and it would heal all her wounds. 

But when I came home, I felt relief of a different kind.  But I felt relief from the weight of the responsibility I have carried since I was pre-adolescent, to care for her needs more than my own.   That’s just how it was. 

But it still surprised me when I found myself saying, at 3am, ‘now I can care about me’.   Mmm.  Wow.    That’s a whole other story, and not a comfortable one.   I’m sure He will bring me back to that.  

For now, I’m trying not to bury whatever emotions are there when you lose someone so significant.  When I bury key emotions, what often manifests is anger and I don’t want to do that.   I’ve always found anger so much more manageable than other emotions.   I guess it makes you feel more in control. 

I won’t miss Mum like someone does who has been able to lean hard on their mum.    But I will miss her chats and her smile and her quirky ways.   She was childlike in her understanding of so many things.  

When I put this photo up on the local memories page on Facebook, to let people know that she had passed, so many people commented that she was sweet and lovely and polite.   She was all of that. 

Under pressure, of course, and without a safe person at home to process with, other things came out - her buried emotions – and generally expressed as anxiety and anger.   And that’s what happens in families, behind closed doors.   Generations of people not knowing what to do with emotions other than to bury them or lash out.  Generations of people being punished for having or expressing emotions instead of being given somewhere safe to have them, and someone safe to hold them.  

So the cycle stops here.   Later than I would like but later is better than not at all.  

He is our Redeemer.   But He can’t redeem what we don’t present Him.  

Can we just at least acknowledge that we have buried much?  

We don’t have to understand it all to present it.  We don’t necessarily need others to understand or validate or apologise for it, to be healed of it.    They can’t heal it.  He can.   And He waits. 

But we do have to bring it and let those things that are buried rise to the surface because He is safe enough to have them and to hold them, and help us move through them and heal the wounds that are opened up. 

This song has had me in a puddle more than once. 

I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again
And again and again
Oh, oh, oh

You saw my condition
Had a plan from the start
Your Son for redemption
The price for my heart
And I don't have a context
For that kind of love
I don't understand
I can't comprehend
All I know is I need You 

 

HEY, I'M DYING OVER HERE!

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is LONGING.  

My poor citrus tree is longing for a drink.

I didn't notice how thirsty it was till yesterday.    We were away and the last two weeks have been very hot. Everything is drying off. 

This poor little tree is in my care and I didn't see how dry it was.    Its leaves are curling up which is never a good sign.    

I have watered down the back but it’s obviously missed out on getting what it needs.  

It reminds me of times in my life where I have been longing for some kind of attention, fellowship, connection, ministry, help, wisdom, encouragement, some kind of nurture.    Just to be seen and noticed, not just for my fruit (usefulness) but because I'm struggling.  

We can be longing and yet still not be seen, because we’re still producing fruit, still there, in the background, still part of the everyday structures in someone’s sphere of responsibility, and yet our dryness, our longing, can go unnoticed.    Sometimes we can be longing because we’re hiding behind usefulness, performance, stoicism, the mask of ‘I’m fine!’    Sometimes it’s because the ‘gardener’ is busy, distracted, tired, frustrated or just neglectful.  

This little tree sits at the back of my yard and is only just within reach of my rather sad hose, that is a pain in the neck to manage because it keeps breaking and coming off the tap.    So it’s hard to meet this tree’s needs.

But that doesn’t mean this longing little tree should be neglected.  

Why have I neglected it?   I’ve been surviving.  I’ve been distracted.   It’s been hotter than usual.    I just don’t go down that way much, though it’s not far from my clothesline.    But I noticed how dry it was because I stood in a different spot to normal.  

It leads me to realise that when we feel unseen, unnoticed, unheard, longing for some kind of connection from someone who ‘should’ notice us, because we’re in their sphere of responsibility, maybe we could pray that the Lord has them stand in a different spot, to get a fresh perspective on things, to realise, to see.  Maybe we need to just stop producing fruit, stop performing, stop striving, and just sit and wait for them to realise we’re quiet, we’re longing, we’re dry, we’re struggling.   Maybe we need to get honest enough to say, ‘Hey, I’m struggling over here!’   Sometimes that’s the correct response.   Sometimes we need to recognize the incapacity of the steward, and move on.  

This little tree can’t pick itself up and go find another person’s yard.   There have been many plants in my life that honestly should have done that!!  

This little tree doesn’t belong to me, but I need to be a good steward of its care.   It belongs to my landlord and it’s part of my agreed sphere of responsibility while I live in this house.   I’ve been trying to keep the lawn alive during this heat wave, but I have missed this poor little tree.  

I can relate to both the tree and the gardener in this scenario.  They both have responsibilities.   This poor tree is running out of oomph and I need to step up. 

If this little tree is me, my responsibility is to dig deep, yes, and be like the tree mentioned in Psalm 1.   I absolutely need to do that.  

He shall be like a tree
Planted by the rivers of water,
That brings forth its fruit in its season,
Whose leaf also shall not wither;
And whatever he does shall prosper.  Psalm 1:3 

A few years ago I would have left it at that, and put all the responsibility back onto me to solve this problem.     But if the Lord has placed me in a certain spiritual garden, then I need to recognize if my needs are consistently neglected and do something about it, rather than stoically ‘dying’ and becoming bitter and resentful.  

I need to sing out (my tree can’t do that) and I need to pray, and I need to come honestly to the gardener and say, yet again if necessary, or for the first time, ‘Hey, I’m dying over here!’   If that kind of admission is met with dismissal or judgement or abuse of power, then it’s time to find a new garden.   That’s something that everyone has to pray long and hard about, because it’s not something that should be done reactively or quickly or resentfully. 

The Lord desires that we are nourished, nurtured and are thriving, and then able to produce fruit, and not just surviving and certainly not slowly dying.   That was a revelation to me and gave me hope for the way forward. 

The Lord has directed me to these verses again and again over the last five years and they have given me a lot of hope when I thought I was ‘done’. 

The righteous shall flourish like a palm tree,
He shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon.

Those who are planted in the house of the Lord
Shall flourish in the courts of our God.

They shall still bear fruit in old age;
They shall be fresh and flourishing,

To declare that the Lord is upright;
He is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in Him.   Psalm 92:12-15

I went looking for a song about growth and nurture in the context of being part of a church ‘garden’ or family, and this old one came up.  I grew up on Psalty and the words don’t lose their meaning because they’re decades old.   

May we be to those in our gardens what they need us to be, within the limits of our God-given responsibility, and may we have the courage to put our hands up and say, if necessary, ‘Hey, I’m dying over here!’.   

Welcome to the family,
We are glad that you have come
To share your life with us,
As we grow in love,
And may we always be to you
What God would have us be,
A family always there,
To be strong and to lean on.


May we learn to love each other
More with each new day,
May words of love be on our lips
In ev’ry thing we say.
May the Spirit melt our hearts,
And teach us how to pray,
That we might be a true family.