WHAT AM I MISSING?

I've been writing every day this week. Not all of it is shareable.   

This is my writing spot for today. There are very few people around this morning. Most of the holiday makers have headed home. A few of the locals have come down for a dip.   

The Lord started speaking to me yesterday morning about another lack - the lack of a husband.  

Mmm

Some might say that I could hardly complain when I was the one who got out.  

But from what I've seen of married couples over the last five years, it's not Dave I'm missing or feeling the lack of. I've seen some healthy things that were lacking in my marriage even when we were together, that have made me realise how rich married life can be.   

From what I've seen in other marriages and what I've seen in Dave in the last few years, I've realised that he was both unwilling and incapable of being a husband with a healthy marriage. Oh he wanted to at times, but his want to always, always, always tripped up at the feet of his idols. And his brokenness means he's actually incapable of more. 

That could change if he allows the Lord to have his heart and heal it. That's no longer my responsibility. That was a responsibility I had to surrender and the Lord had to prise my fingers off that one.   

So, what am I lacking now? He wants to show me and I believe it's because, before we can bring our lack to the Lord, we need to recognise that we do indeed have a lack, even if we don't understand the depth and breadth of that lack.    I often measure the lack by what I'm missing, though I'm sure He sees it much more clearly.  

I'm missing a companion - someone to do daily life with, to discuss the mundane things of life with, to share the daily highs and lows with.   

I'm missing someone to share the workload with and to fix things that are broken, to solve the problems that come with running a household, to do the heavy lifting.  

I'm missing someone who actually pursues me and enjoys my company, and makes the effort to be with me, who doesn't find me too much.    

I'm missing someone who accepts me as is, without judgement and criticism and perfectionism, but always with the encouragement to aim higher.  

I'm missing someone who finds me beautiful, who is comfortable with me being female and dressing like one, who likes my hair and my shape and my style, who doesn't compare me to his mother or a pin up picture of some stranger in a bikini.   

I'm missing a partner to parent the girls with. There are some days, more than others, that I feel that lack keenly. I'm missing someone to share the parenting joys and burdens with, of all of my children. I'm missing someone to share the joys of grandparenting with.   

I'm missing a spiritual leader to cover and lead me and the girls. It's exhausting and often overwhelming when you have to do that alone. I'm missing someone to simply hold my hand and pray for me.  

I'm missing someone to make decisions with. I often struggle with the weight of responsibility for making decisions and living with the consequences.   

I'm missing someone to serve the Lord with, someone who wants what He wants and whose daily choices reflect that.

I'm missing someone who recognises my gifts and supports me in that, someone who sees what I have to offer and values that, and isn't threatened by it.   

I'm missing somewhere to belong, someone to come home to when everyone else goes home with their partner or to their partner.  I'm missing someone to simply hold me when I'm tired or in pain or lonely.  

I'm missing having a friend who lives with me - every day. I'm simply missing someone to talk to about anything and everything.   

I'm sure there's more. Each of these things holds a level of pain that's both historic and current. Perhaps that's why He is digging into it. I would quite happily leave it alone but I find myself reacting in current relationships because of this pain, and I have been praying that He would get to the bottom of that.   

One of the key passages and promises He gave me when He asked me to get out of that boat made me realise that He was asking to be my Husband in this next season of my life.   

The whole of Isaiah 54 is profound but I have picked out a few pieces that are relevant to this post.    

“Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;

Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame;

For you will forget the shame of your youth,

And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.

For your Maker is your husband,

The Lord of hosts is His name;

And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel;

He is called the God of the whole earth.

For the Lord has called you

Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,

Like a youthful wife when you were refused,”

Says your God. Isa 54:4-6

“O you afflicted one,

Tossed with tempest, and not comforted,

Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems,

And lay your foundations with sapphires.

I will make your pinnacles of rubies,

Your gates of crystal,

And all your walls of precious stones.

All your children shall be taught by the Lord,

And great shall be the peace of your children.

In righteousness you shall be established;

You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear..... Isa 54:12-14

No weapon formed against you shall prosper,

And every tongue which rises against you in judgment

You shall condemn.

This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,

And their righteousness is from Me,”

Says the Lord. Isa 54:17

These are great and precious promises that I have to keep coming back to when I am struggling with the aloneness of my situation.   He has promised to heal, redeem and restore me.

So I will lean in even harder. His invitation in this new season is to discover Him more deeply.     As much as a human would be nice and convenient, His invitation is for more.  He is the One who delights in me and to whom I truly belong, the One who sees all and loves anyway.   

It's good to understand the lack because it allows me to come to Him like those who came looking for healing when He walked this earth - with an exposed need and an expectation for healing.   

Like I've said in a previous post, we need to come broken, not pretending or thinking we're fine, that we've got it all sorted.   

I'm listening to this song again. I come back to it often.   

This I know

At the whisper of Your name

There is peace I can't explain

I am fearless, I am safe

Here with You, here with You

Every promise that You speak

Every word is life to me

I am breathless, I'm in awe

Here with You, here with You

I'll wait until the stars come out

After all the storms have passed

A hope above the skies

Hope within Your everlasting Word

LACKING FOR NOTHING

 I was walking along the breakwall and sitting on the rocks this morning, listening to worship songs that declare God's strength and goodness and faithfulness.   

After nearly three years of a major legal struggle, I'm finally free to move forward.  

Four years ago, the Lord made it very clear, again, I was to 'get out of the boat' and walk on the water towards Him. It was so contrary to everything I had been taught or told for decades.  

He promised to be the One who would hold me up. 

Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isa 41:10

That was His promise to me and He has done exactly that. I have come to know this I AM that grabbed my arm every time I was sinking.   

......instantly He spoke to them, saying, Take courage! I Am! Stop being afraid! Matt 14:27

But back then I had to choose to step out. That boat was my financial and practical security, and I had no idea how to survive without it.  

All I had known since I was 17 was that boat.  

At 15 I had decided to get serious about following Jesus and be all in.  

At nearly 17, I met Dave, a Christian man and when I was 19, we married. I was very young, immature, naive and broken. Turns out, so was he.   

I was coming out of a dysfunctional and abusive family, and Dave was the one I looked to for everything.    

And while I was in love with him, and serious about our marriage, he was also my ticket out of a toxic situation.   

Expecting him to be my everything was a bad idea. That was too much weight to put on one person. But it's what we do instead of looking to the Lord. 

And we built a life together for over 30 years.  

He went through stages of walking closely with the Lord; other times not so much. 

Once we moved to the farm, which had been his ultimate goal, things started to shift from following the Lord closely.  

Many of his rumbling wounds came to the surface in full force. He started consistently making choices that damaged me, our relationship and our children.

We became the enemy, the point of frustration, the reason he wasn't hitting his goals as fast as he wanted.  

I lost my husband to that place. My girls lost their dad. The place itself is beautiful but it became the other woman in our relationship, and the idol. Idols demand so much and cause us to justify harmful choices.

He was committed to me and the children, and committed to his job because it paid the bills. He worked long hours and was committed to providing our basic needs. But his first love was the farm and it still is.  

He has consistently chosen it over us when given opportunities to choose differently. Eventually the Lord said 'enough'.   

There are times and seasons - often years - when God gives you the grace to stay. But for some, there comes a time when God gives you the faith to go. We have to discern the times and seasons.   

I went to the farm last weekend to gather up the rest of my things. I put the most precious things in my car and perhaps he'll bring the rest to me sometime.    

I was very aware that most of those things were bought with his wages and that's how he saw it. But I've learnt that the Lord doesn't measure contribution in just dollar terms. As it turns out, neither does Australian law. It recognises the contribution made by a stay-at-home wife, mother, housekeeper, and business partner.  

One of my previous visits to the farm, several years ago now, made me realise that the farm was the 'other woman'. That revelation was what made me realise that I was hearing the Lord correctly - it was time to get out.  

But she didn't just come before me - she came before his children and his heavenly Father. And that breaks my heart.   

Because he is missing out on so much.

And so are we.   

We are picking up the pieces but some days, my goodness, it's tough because my girls need a dad .   

But God! The Father is the source of all that we need and He provides our needs in various ways and sometimes He does that through His people.  

My challenge now is to lean in more closely, and not rely on myself, even if our financial situation has markedly improved.   

My other priority is to teach my girls to look first to Him and expect Him to be the Father they long for.   

So many people are now asking me 'what now?', including my teenage girls. I don't know.  

But I know that the God who has been stronger and more present than this breakwall isn't going anywhere and doesn't change.  

He knows our every need. He sees our every lack. He will show me what next. He is the good Father who leads and speaks and gives wisdom.   

I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future, and that is enough for today.    

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed

That I would see the goodness of the Lord

In the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord;

Be of good courage,

And He shall strengthen your heart;

Wait, I say, on the Lord! Psalm 27:13,14

As I wrote this post, this song was playing. I think it's very fitting.  

Look at the flowers in all of their beauty

I don't have to wonder, You know what You're doing

So why would I worry at all when You're faithful to supply?

Everything I need, everything I need

My Father has it, my Father has it

And every single time the Lord will provide

My Father has it, my Father has it

Look at the sparrow, lacking for nothing

No fear of tomorrow and what it will bring

If I have You, I have enough

Your love will satisfy

Everything I need, everything I need

My Father has it, my Father has it

MEN, SERIOUSLY!!

The lack He is pointing out to me and putting His finger on is the lack of healthy male input.   

Is that a thing?

Apparently it is.

In a culture that has spent decades trying to minimise the difference between males and females, God's word does the opposite.  

He made males to be sons, brothers, friends, husbands, fathers, grandfathers - in families and in His body, and in the community generally. Each of those male roles is very significant. The Word has a lot to say about each of those roles. It's just not stuck in one,  easy-to-find passage.   

His Word speaks of these roles directly and indirectly. We see them modelled throughout the story of the Bible, sometimes well and other times disastrously.   

We see the impact godly men have on their family and the following generations, on their communities and on their nations.   

We see the impact of evil men and insecure men and absent men and men misusing their power and strength.   

The significance of healthy male influence and input is spread throughout the story and it starts at the very beginning.  

He made them in His image - male and female. 

So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.  Genesis 1:27

Simple and yet profound.   

He made men to impact those around them - those in their closest relationships and those further out. 

Boys and young men and all men need healthy male input.  

Girls and young women and all women need healthy male input.  

Healthy male input early in our lives is designed to reflect the Father and lead us into close relationship with Him. He is the ultimate good Father. He is the measure of fatherly goodness in all its facets. Men are supposed to show us who He is - a good, good Father.   

A good father reflects value, sees, encourages, builds, protects, provides, affirms, provides structure and parameters, leads, guides, walks ahead, teaches, instructs, speaks the truth, trains, disciplines, holds his child accountable, loves his children, delights in his children. I'm sure there's more.   

These are the things my heavenly Father has been teaching me and restoring to me,  intentionally and intensely over the last five years. It's been going on all through my life really but I've been getting healed enough to see it, seek it and allow it.

That's who the Father is. That's how He works and longs to work.   

If we lack genuine, healthy male interaction, that lack affects us deeply. And we spend our lives hungering for it, though we can rarely recognise or name that hunger for what it is.  

How do you know you're hungering for something if you've rarely experienced it in healthy measure?

We must get to know Him and experience His presence and His reality in increasing fullness to really be whole, to fill that hunger.   

I've met quite a few people who are incredibly secure and stable because their earthly father was/is such an accurate reflection and representation of the Father's heart.    

Sadly, I've met many more who have grown up under a man who does not know or reflect the Father well at all.  

That's certainly been my reality.   

And this is the lack I believe the Lord is showing me this week in more clarity.   

We women need healthy, safe relationships with men, within the parameters set out in scripture for sons, brothers, friends, husbands, fathers, grandfathers, leaders and shepherds.  

Sometimes He asks us to be little girls, daughters, with Him, so that He can heal those parts that didn't get to grow well, those parts that were underdeveloped, misshapen, stunted, broken.   

Recently a friend said something I've heard many times from women, including myself. Men, seriously!!   

Yes, we seriously need them. Women need healthy, godly men - so do our children, families, communities, churches, governments and nations.     

While I was near the bay yesterday, I asked quite a few men if I could take their photo and told them it was for my blog. I don't know any of them. I told them I was writing a piece about the value of men in our society. Some of them said no very definitely; but most of them allowed it, even with some amusement.    

Men come in all shapes and sizes and we need them.   

And seriously, we need good men in our lives to be the sons, brothers, friends, fathers, grandfathers, mentors and leaders God designed them to be.   

But what do we do with the lack and the hunger we are left with when good men are seriously lacking in our lives?  

Seeing the problem makes you want to fix it, but you can't. Our hearts were created by Him and only He has the remedy.   

I've seen many people try to feed the hunger and numb the pain caused by the lack of healthy male input with addiction (even the culturally acceptable addictions), self-harm, harming others, striving, people pleasing, power plays, control, serving, ministry, etc. I've done much of that myself, well before I recognised the reason for it.   

None of that works, and so often it creates more pain and chaos in our lives and those we impact. And so it goes on for each generation until someone says 'enough'.  

What is the answer? This is a passage that He brings me back to regularly.  

I am the Lord your God,Who brought you out of the land of Egypt;Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.

“But My people would not heed My voice,And Israel would have none of Me.

So I gave them over to their own stubborn heart,To walk in their own counsels.

“Oh, that My people would listen to Me,That Israel would walk in My ways!

Psalm 81:10,11

Our hearts are broken and only a good, good Father can heal them and fill the void, restore what's lacking and enable us to grow strong and secure.   

But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. 1 Peter 5:10

This man, Tim Kay, shares a short, rich insight into an often misquoted and misunderstood passage about our hearts. Tim explains that the Hebrew actually gives the meaning that our hearts are wounded and broken and only He knows them.  

“The heart is deceitful above all things,

And desperately wicked;

Who can know it?

 I, the Lord, search the heart.....

Jeremiah 17:9,10

But we have to bring our broken, hungry hearts to the Father - in humility, in trust, again and again.   

That's our part. He does the rest.   

You're a good, good Father

It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are

And I'm loved by You

It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

Oh, and I've seen many searching for answers far and wide

But I know we're all searching for answers only You provide

'Cause You know just what we need before we say a word

MOVING ON FROM LACK

I'm sitting in one of my favourite spots.  

Back in the bay, watching the seagulls and pelicans, listening to the sounds of the tide coming in.

A while back, the Lord showed me that to really heal, and stop defaulting to anger and frustration, I needed to speak out my frustrations and pain - not to a person, just to Him. To actually say them out loud, with no one else around. I thought about going for long drives but that felt too claustrophobic.   

Here at the bay, I can get up early, before the girls wake up, walk along the breakwall, and the beach, and just speak. Nobody here knows me and I'm not likely to run into someone who wants to chat.   

So I'm going to do this every morning during our week here.   

This morning's verbalising has been enlightening and painful and liberating.  

There's so much that's been buried because there's been a lack of healthy processing and a lack of supportive relationship at the time that wounds were caused.  

I've processed a fair bit in the last few years, verbally, with a few people, but there's so much that I have just not said, for all sorts of reasons - self-protection and conditioning mostly.  

This holiday comes at the end of three years of a legal battle and the closure of a long season. The Lord knew we all needed it before I did, and I honestly couldn't see how we could afford it.  

But this week has seen a major shift in our circumstances , finally, and so it's time to move forward into the next season.   

But to move forward, it's necessary to let go of some long-held lack.  

Yes, lack. Lack can be something we hold onto because we're so used to it and we think it's humility.    

We hold onto it because we think it's what He wants for us.

We hold onto it because we don't truly know His heart.  

We hold onto it because it's been taught as humility and holiness.

We hold onto it because His truths have been filtered through our lived experience. 

We hold onto it because of shame, fear and guilt.  

It looks like He is going to deal with one key area of lack at a time.  

More on that tomorrow.   

The young lions lack and suffer hunger;

But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.  Psalm 34:10

WE HAVE TO COME BROKEN

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is MEND. 

How do you mend a broken heart? 

You can’t.

I’ve done a lot of mending over the years, mostly men’s work clothes – men related to me and mending done in the setting of a small sewing business.  

It’s something I enjoyed doing more than altering women’s clothes, perhaps because of the challenge in it.

Men have a way of wrecking their clothes like no one else.

Their clothes are sometimes stained and smelly and in well-used condition.  

Occasionally, not very often, I would make the call that the garment was beyond repair, and it was time to invest in a new garment.   I remember on one occasion, the young man was not having it and asked for yet more patches on his well-loved shirt. 

When a garment was beyond repair, I would sometimes cut pieces off to be used for future repairs, but I have been known to throw the whole thing in the bin.

Sometimes I would have to unpick entire seams so I could get the garment onto my sewing machine and patch it properly. 

But now, I wish I knew how to mend broken hearts.   Only our good, good Father can do that. 

Only He has the know-how, the power, the understanding and the skilled gentleness for that.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  Ps 147:3

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.  Ps 34:18 

And when He had opened the book, He found the place where it was written:

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me,
Because He has anointed Me
To preach the gospel to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives
And recovery of sight to the blind,
To set at liberty those who are oppressed;
To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.”

Then He closed the book, and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all who were in the synagogue were fixed on Him. And He began to say to them, “Today this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”   Luke 4:17-21

Jesus came to heal people broken by the sin of others and those broken by their own sin.  

I have plenty of people in my life whose hearts are in varying degrees of brokenness, but the ones that impact me the most is seeing the brokenness in my teenage daughters.

Yesterday, my 13yo had a major meltdown.

It was over something fairly minor, but that minor thing ripped the lid off what has been bubbling away for a long time.

We talked a bit about it afterwards and have several times since.

Naming the emotions helps you understand why it’s rising so powerfully to the surface over something ‘silly’. 

Her heart is broken and mostly that manifests as anger and defensiveness.

Today she admitted being hurt and angry about the absence of a caring, consistent, protective, present and normal dad.

I think it’s the first time she’s admitted to herself that it really is bothering her.

That’s a win in itself. 

It hurts to admit your heart is broken.

Even harder to let the Father in to mend it.

That’s her next challenge.

That’s the challenge for everyone with a broken heart.

Recognise it, name it, own it - and then bring it.  

So many people recognise it, learn to name it and own it, but few bring it to the only One who can mend it.  

When we start following the Lord seriously, as she has been for the last year now, stuff starts to become obvious.  

When that happens, we can come to Him broken or we can come pretending we don’t have any problems (like the Pharisees).  

The ones who had a powerful encounter with Jesus are the ones who came broken and ready for change. 

We just need to come, broken and ready for Him to mend every part of us, as only He can do.  

 

Lord I come
Lord I thank You
For Your love
For this grace divine

Love and mercy undeserving
You gave it all
The greatest sacrifice

You were wounded for my sin
And You were bruised
For all my shame
You were broken for my healing
Only by the cross I’m saved

You’re the mender
Of the broken
To every outcast
A friend and comforter

I come boldly to Your presence
Lord I bow before Your throne
You’re my Healer
My Redeemer
You’re my hope
My life my all

You hear the cry of the broken

 

BE A MUG!!

In Australia, we have a saying, ‘Don’t be a mug, mate!’    It essentially means ‘Don’t be an idiot!’  

You don’t hear it so much these days, but it was quite common when I was growing up.

But I want to say that I think we need to be a mug, or at least I do. 

I received five mugs for Christmas and several journals.  Last Christmas I got lots of tea.  I can’t drink coffee and so I love to experiment with different teas.

I have a lot of different mugs on my kitchen shelves.   I rarely have two the same.   I love quirky mugs, solid mugs, big mugs and mugs with a solid base on them, so I don’t knock them over.  I don’t have a favourite – they’re all special.   Many of them are gifts that have been given to me, which makes them more special.   

Lately I’ve been reading and listening to some people on Instagram that I follow, and the general theme is show up authentically, be yourself, stop keeping the peace, stop being quiet, stop playing nice, be who you really are. 

What’s that got to do with mugs?   A lot, as it turns out.  Back to that in a minute.

I think ‘show up authentically’ can be mistaken for do and say whatever you want and expect others to suck it up and like you anyway, or walk away.   I don’t believe most of these Instagram people mean that by it, but it could be taken that way.  

I think they’re trying to speak to people who’ve spent their lives, like me, squeezing into molds, shapes, and images, to earn love, keep love, be accepted, be heard, be validated. 

We can spend our lives trying to live up to a certain image that we want others to see and accept, and we can do all sorts of masking, pretending, and performing to convince ourselves and others that that’s who we are. 

None of that is helpful, but also not right and not accurate.  It’s not godly behaviour at all, but it often presents as good works or being ‘nice’ or giving.    If our motivation is off, the fruit can look great, but not be real and not last.  

I love the verse in the psalms where it talks about mercy meeting truth.

Mercy and truth have met together;
Righteousness and peace have kissed.  Ps 85:10

Jesus was all about truth and grace going together.  

And of His fullness we have all received, and grace for grace.    For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.   John 1:16,17

But His grace couldn’t be applied while people were pretending, hiding, performing, and masking the truth.  He called out the reality of their situation and their actions and their hearts.    

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed.  And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”  John 8:31,32

For some people, that was liberating, because they responded with repentance and gratitude and they got healed, got set free, got to move forward, were able to grow.  

For other people who wanted to maintain the image, and perhaps the power and control that their image afforded them, His message wasn’t liberating - it was offensive. 

Lately, He’s been offending me a bit and I’ve had to dig deeper and ask what He wants.   For the past year, He has put His finger on motivation and image and performance.    And now, for this month of January, He has told me to step back from everything and just get quiet with Him.   We can keep ourselves pretty busy with good works and showing up a certain way and miss who He is and what He wants for us. 

So, why do we do all of that?   Because we don’t know who we are and we don’t know how HE sees us.   Perhaps we’re trying to do what we think He wants.   Perhaps it’s just how we’ve learnt to love Him and love people.  

I think we can get caught up doing it to convince people we’re mature, win respect and perhaps position and credibility.   Perhaps it’s just to earn love and acceptance. 

But we need to be the mug that we actually are, not somebody else.   The mug HE designed and HE requires of us – nothing more, nothing less.  

We need to show up as we are – cracked, flawed, the ‘wrong’ colour, the ‘wrong’ shape, the ‘wrong’ size, different to everyone else on the shelf.  

But to do that we have to get an accurate view of how He sees us, who we really are, who HE says we are.  That’s the truth we need.   Not your truth or my truth or their truth, but the truth of the One who sees it all and saw it all before He made us.

Our value has to come from Him, not whether we measure up to the standard of the gathering, family, workplace, school, church, or significant person, etc that we belong to.     If we want to be a vessel that is truly open to and available to His Spirit, we have to show up authentically, and just stop pretending we’re something we’re not.  

Does that mean we bare our dirty laundry for everyone to see?   No, not at all.   But we have to stop hiding the bits of our story and personality that are messy or not acceptable.  

It doesn’t mean we get to be obnoxious and expect others to just accept that.   It just means being real.   Being the people we actually are. 

That just might ruffle some feathers, create strain in some relationships that previously felt like home, might upset some people who want purple mugs when you’re actually pink and you’re wearing yourself out trying to be purple.  It might upset some people who want refined mugs when you’re actually pretty ordinary (in their estimation).  

When we are real and respect our own value enough to stop striving and hiding and earning, then those around us can love us well.   If that’s not the case, we need to move on and find the ones who will.   But we won’t be loved authentically if we don’t show up authentically.   What each of us needs from our gatherings is to be seen and loved as we are.   When we do that, we’ll see where we truly belong, where He has made us to fit.  

What kind of mug are you?   Like, really?   Who are you?  

Are you getting your identity from what HE says?   Are you understanding that your worth is in what HE says, and His character?    Is your doing coming from a place of love and service, or are you striving and pretending and performing and hiding?  

Are you letting Him shape you into the kind of mug HE wants and showing up where HE wants, how HE wants?  

But now, O Lord, You are our Father;
We are the clay, and You our potter;
And all we are the work of Your hand.  Isa 64:8

His shaping is done out of love and mercy and the knowledge of who He designed you to be in the first place, before you started being shaped by others, before you started squeezing into molds and hiding flaws.

These are questions He’s asking me, heading into a new year which honestly needs to be different.   One of His main messages to me lately, for the last few months, is ‘do no more, but no less than what I give you to do’.   That’s hard when you’re used to over-functioning because you know that stepping back is going to upset some people and you’re going to be misunderstood.  And they’re going to realise you’re not the mug they thought you were.  

One thing I learned from this book last year was that Jesus was strong enough, secure enough, and loving enough to risk disappointing people and being misunderstood because He knew who He was and He only did what He saw the Father doing.   Sometimes, He said no.  Sometimes, He walked away.  Sometimes, He was quiet.   Sometimes, He healed people on the ‘wrong’ day.  Sometimes He embraced the ‘wrong’ people and disobeyed rules.    Sometimes, He flipped tables.    But He knew the Father, listened to the Father, obeyed the Father, and that was enough for Him.

Is it enough for us?  Is it enough for us to be truly seen by the Father, loved for who we are, refined and shaped by Him?   Because until it is, we will keep hiding, striving, performing and showing up as something else, someone else.   

I want to be that kind of mug, because that’s honestly where the freedom is, and the security is.  That’s how He can pour out into people’s lives through me.   And honestly, isn’t that what it’s really all about?  

  

Changemy heart Oh God, make it ever true.
Change my heart Oh God, may I be like You.
You are the potter, I am the clay,
Mold me and make me, this is what I pray.
Change my heart Oh God, make it ever true.
Change my heart Oh God, may I be like You. 

I'M BEING REAL ABOUT THIS

My dad passed away suddenly on Wednesday morning.   He hadn’t been well for months so we were kind of expecting it, but it came suddenly in the end.   Next time I’ll write about what I believe the Lord did during those final few days of his life, but for now I need to write about something else.  

People have called and messaged me and asked, ‘How are you?’   I’m actually okay, just at the moment.    Well, actually, I’m numb and perhaps the tears will come later but right now I’m too busy to stop.   The timing isn’t great but then it’s never a convenient time to lose a loved one.   I’m still in the midst of an ongoing legal battle that just isn’t ending even though the end is ‘just over the horizon’, ‘at the end of the tunnel’, ‘any day now’, and has been for over two years.   The emotional roller coaster of that has left me pretty numb and not really keen to process anything else.  

Those who know me well know that my relationship with my father was a difficult one.     I’m not missing Dad today particularly because I lost him many years ago, in terms of relationship.  

About ten years ago, I challenged him about his treatment of Mum and my brothers and myself.  He made it very clear that nothing was going to change and it was ‘my way or the highway’.  I finally got brave enough to choose the highway and risk his rejection.   I wasn’t prepared for the way he rubbished me to anyone who would listen.  Anyone who knew me even a little got dragged into his circle of validation and accusation.    With some people, the lies stuck, but for others who’d been hurt too, they saw through it.  

About four years ago, I challenged him about the various kinds of abuse we all copped from him behind closed doors, over many years.   He acknowledged the sexual abuse, but nothing else, and there was no apology offered, just an acknowledgement that it happened.   He didn’t acknowledge his behaviour towards my mum or my brothers.   That speaks for itself.   Did he not see it or did he just not see that it was wrong?  

So often, we look for and ask for validation or apology from those who hurt us, but we can’t wait for that.   We have to just let that go.  Perhaps that’s what forgiveness is about – letting go of not just the hurt but the need to have them own it.  

My brothers and I were in his room at the nursing home, standing by his bed, several hours after he’d gone, and we were saying that we half expected him to say something harsh to us while we were discussing what needed to be done.   Our minds knew that wasn’t going to happen and yet our hearts were bracing for it, waiting for the next round of criticism and harshly spoken demands.  It’s our hearts that know things because we’ve experienced it.   It’s our hearts that need healing.  

Don’t speak ill of the dead?   Not sure where that came from, but God asks us for truth.   If nothing else, I will be truthful with myself and with the Lord because there is freedom in that.    And He can show me where my heart is out of line.  But I have learnt the hard way that pretending isn't going to lead to healing, so I'm being real about this.  

As for forgiveness, that’s a work in progress.   We make a decision to forgive, and we should, and that’s been an ongoing choice for me.   But oftentimes, at key moments, and I guess this is a key moment, something rises up and we need to choose again and the forgiveness goes deeper.   

But forgiveness doesn’t equal closeness.   Closeness has to be safe, and with Dad it just wasn’t.   I kept a safe distance from Dad because I could not and would not agree to go along with his games and his need for control, particularly of Mum.    They both knew how to drag you into their dramas and use you as an audience, to get their way in a situation.   Distance is the best way to deal with that. 

I knew I couldn’t lean on Dad in any way, or give him any kind of vulnerability because he would exploit it.   So I didn’t.  Our interactions were always about him – how he was, what he needed, what he thought about things.   If he rang, it was always to ask me for something, never to ask how I was or did I need anything.   He remembered birthdays and Christmas – for us, our kids and our grandies.   He was good at that.   But you couldn’t trust yourself to him and really, that’s what there is to miss in a relationship – the closeness, the trust, the leaning on, the leaning in - and that’s been missing for a very long time.  So I’m not grieving like someone who had a good relationship with their dad.   I wish I was, but I can't pretend it was something that it wasn't.  

Dad had a fairly close relationship with my sister-in-law, Dee, and we are very grateful for that because he was actually letting her help him with financial and legal matters and just practical needs.   He leaned heavily on her, but he wouldn’t let us get close to him.   She challenged him about that, but he wouldn’t divulge his reasons.   

I posted his photo and a few words on a local memories page on Facebook, and it was interesting to hear some of the comments from people who’ve known him for years, through the gun club, through work, through family ties. 

A nicer bloke you’d never meet

He was so proud of you all.

He was such a gentleman.

They are hard comments to read but they actually confirm what my brothers and I said the previous day – he was two different people.   We didn’t get the nice bloke, the gentleman, the respectable man.    He never told us he was proud of us or that he loved us.   We got someone very different, as often happens in families.  

But it shouldn’t.    And because it did, we’re struggling with it because we’re not feeling what you should feel when your dad dies. 

A close friend asked me yesterday if I’m grieving and my response was, ‘I’ve been grieving for my father for many years’.  It’s been a slow and invisible grief, one that’s not easily understood by those who had a good relationship with their father.  For years I have grieved and wept for what could have been, what should have been, and I've done that mostly alone, not with the recognition that happens when someone dies.  

I’m trying to find some peace in all of this because I need it, and I need to not layer guilt on top of everything else – guilt that I don’t feel particularly sad and that I’m not grieving like others would, and like some expect me to.

And then I read the words to this song yesterday that my brothers want to play at his funeral.  Dad didn’t want hymns or Bible verses or anything ‘religious’.   Funnily enough, this song helps with the forgiveness because it reminds me that he was a person too.   When we can look beyond what they should have done, we can let it go and leave the outcome with the Lord, and that’s so important.   Perhaps that too is part of the forgiveness – letting go of even the reasonable expectations. 

Oh, before they turn off all the lights
I won't read you your wrongs or your rights
The time has gone
I'll tell you goodnight, close the door
Tell you I love you once more
The time has gone
So here it is

I'm not your son, you're not my father
We're just two grown men saying goodbye
No need to forgive, no need to forget
I know your mistakes and you know mine
And while you're sleeping I'll try to make you proud
So, daddy, won't you just close your eyes?
Don't be afraid, it's my turn
To chase the monsters away

Oh, well, I'll read a story to you
Only difference is this one is true
The time has gone
I folded your clothes on the chair
I hope you sleep well, don't be scared
The time has gone
So here it is

But for so many parents, especially of my father’s generation, they don’t see that they’re just people.  They see, probably because it was their model too, that they get to have God-like privilege and position, that they get to define their children, shape them, direct them (even well into adulthood), own them, contain them, control them and even abuse them.   That was certainly how Dad saw us – trophies and servants and sometimes objects.   

But God says otherwise about me, and it’s taken me this long to see that I am defined by HIM and not by my earthly father, because he was just a human.   He was shaped by his father and others, instead of letting his heavenly Father shape him and love him and tell him who he was and how much he was valued.   Even as an old man, my father was still fighting with his father, and resisting his heavenly Father because of that.  I’m sure that was behind a lot of his behaviour towards us.   It wasn't God's love that was shining through Dad;  it was his very limited  and conditional 'love'.   

But it’s what WE do from here on that will determine whether we repeat those generational cycles or set our children and grandchildren free to be all that God intends for them.  

My heavenly Father gets to define who I am and He can heal and He has and He does.   But we have to let Him, and give Him all the broken pieces.   He could have healed my father's wounds and perhaps at the end he finally allowed the Father to do that.  

We have to stop looking to the hurtful ones to heal us.  They simply can’t.   Only the Lord can do what is divine.   

Yesterday, the Lord led me to Psalm 45 again.

Listen, O daughter,
Consider and incline your ear;
Forget your own people also, 

and your father’s house;

So the King will greatly desire your beauty;
Because He is your Lord, worship Him.  

Psalm 45:10,11

I will worship the One who should have that worship, and I will love everyone else.  

I will continue to be honest with myself, with Him, and with those who can handle it. 

Mercy and truth have met together;
Righteousness and peace have kissed.  Ps 85:10

I will get my value and my identity and my help from Him, in whatever way He chooses to give it, and through whom He chooses to give it.  

Sing to God, sing praises to His name;
Extol Him who rides on the clouds,
By His name Yah,
And rejoice before Him.

A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows,

Is God in His holy habitation.
God sets the solitary in families;
He brings out those who are bound into prosperity;
But the rebellious dwell in a dry land.  Psalm 68:4-6

 

I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again
And again and again
Oh, oh, oh

You saw my condition
Had a plan from the start
Your Son for redemption
The price for my heart
And I don't have a context
For that kind of love
I don't understand
I can't comprehend
All I know is I need You